Healing

healing
the wounds are so deep
he doesn't think it's possible
besides it's been so long
that he's forgotten what it feels like
to be whole
to not be sick
if he stops believing do you stop acting
is that how it works
because if it does he will never be healed
because he doesn't have it in him anymore
he can do nothing to help himself
he has tried many times
and even had that ability before
but it's a new day now
and today he cannot do it anymore
from now on he doesn't have the strength
so this will be it, this is how it ends

and if someone else can save him
then he begs for them to do it soon
because time is slipping
and he doesn't have much distance
so if you can heal him
even when he doesn't believe
then pick up this half of a person
and make him whole

Times Like These

i don't understand
how something that is so destructive
can also be so crucial to survival
i am not sure if contradictions
are allowed to be a part of my life
but if they are then maybe one day
all of this could make even a little bit of sense

i watch the rain fall down
outside my tired window
and i feel tired too
it's grey and dreary out there
colorless all around
and i wish i knew where the paintbrush was kept
because it just occurred to me that the world
might be alot better if i colored it

but that thought passes too
and besides, i know i probably wouldn't have
actually done it
it was just one of those moments where
i thought it might look very nice
just one of those times where something
so simple became a little more profound
but it left just as quickly as it came
that's all

i wonder if the rain ever wishes
it wasn't stuck in a world of grey
and instead that it was welcomed out
when the shades are out playing
the rain is very beautiful really
i wonder though, does it ever mind
knowing that the sky is crying everytime
it is allowed to be in this world
that it is only the sky's tears

Don't

Don't think for a moment that you are alone in your pain. Don't even let it cross your mind that no one is there; that you have no choice but to walk through it all by yourself.

You need to see that not one single day goes by where i don't feel your pain as if it was my own.

You are struggling, you are hurting, you are mutilated on the inside even though your face will not stop smiling. A disgusting smile, one that is there not to reflect a happiness, but instead a smile only there to test. To test every person you ever encounter, to see if anyone can see past it, and see a heart and life that is dying on the inside. A smile that is there to become a symbol of the lie you believe; a symbol telling you that everyone will always let you down, and no one will ever take the time to see whats really there.

Don't think that i see that smile as just another smile. Don't think that i don't see what is under. Don't think that i believe the same lie you do, becuase i don't. i never have. i never will.

When a ship is sinking, what is underneath it is what matters. What the waters below it are, and consist of, is what becomes crucial.

You too are sinking, and you are barely surfacing. It's in you on the inside, and i see it all, and you need to know that the i feel the destruction in your life just as much as you do. I'm letting it, because i need you to see something you never have before. It is the only lifeline i can offer you. It's destroying me, just as much as it destroys you. But i let it, because you need to be free.

Once Upon A Dark November

I went for a walk tonight, in the cold and crisp November night. It was cold, so very cold. But it was so clear, and beginning to become completely barren. It was perfect for November. I don't know what it is about November and me. But there is something about this month. I never feel the way i feel in November any other time. I am not sure i can even explain it. It is depressing and haunting...but at the same time completely inviting and desirable and embracing. It is like the haunting beauty, but less beautiful and more...hallow. November is a very hallow month. Once upon a dark November. That might be precisely it.

The snow is beautiful. When did snow start captivating me? Since i stopped living in the city i suppose. It's enchanting when i walk in a world of powdery, white sparkles, with billions of stars above in a black sky and a full white moon shining almost too brightly, casting beams of pure light onto the earth lacking any colour below. And white snowflakes drop silently to the ground, collecting as a thicker and thicker blanket that sleeps over the ground. And it is so very late out, so there is no one and nothing around. The world is deathly silent, except for my tiny hesitant steps that dare to enter into such a peaceful, beautiful sight. Hesitant lest even one footstep ruin the completely serene and perfect world that envelopes me. It is haunting really, because it is so beautiful.

Prostituted Time

I can never sleep at night. My body is exhausted, but my mind keeps playing on fast forward as i try for pointless hours to shut it off. I have insomnia. In terms of sleep, tonight was no different from any other wakeful night. But for some reason as i was lying in bed tonight, struggling unsuccessfully as always to find a few hours of precious sleep, i started thinking about the people in my life.

And then i started thinking about the people in my life that really i offer nothing to, but only use to fill up wants in my life, fill up emptiness in my life. i run around looking only for gifts of affirmation from them, the only reason i offer my time. A prostitution of time. Too many people that i only take and take and take from, and offer nothing in return.

Then i started thinking about my God, and how many times i also only use Him. It must be so painful for Him. I must shatter God's heart over and over again, and instead of realizing it i simply continue my life until the next time i can greedily take even more.


i am a whore i do confess
but i put you on just like a wedding dress
and i run down the aisle
i'm a prodigal with no way home
but i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the aisle to you

so could you love this bastard child
though i don't trust you to provide
with one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
i am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers less wild
that i would take a little cash
over your very flesh and blood
- Derek Webb

I'm Not Sure How I Got Here

I am living in Winnipeg, Manitoba. I am not exactly sure how i got here, or even why i am here.

I have always found life very strange for me in that way. It sometimes seems like my life is just playing out before me and i, who should be the main character, constantly find myself just chasing after it, wondering what the heck just happened, how i got there, and what to make of it all.

But really, life is not a story about me anyways.

So yes, i now live in Winnipeg...well, outside of the city really i suppose, but no one has heard of my town anyways so i will just leave it as Winnipeg. And like i said, i am not entirely sure why i came here. Oh sure, i know what i am doing here now...its not that i am just wandering the streets, completely oblivious as to how i ever arrived here and what is going on. What i mean is that i do not know why, out of all the places in the world and all the other options i had for my year, i ended up in Manitoba. Going to school at a college that i said i would never attend. Sometimes i just sit there and it blows my mind trying to understand why i ever came. My life is so different this year than it has been for the past two years of my life, and sometimes it just kills me that i am not in the outdoors anymore, that i am not growing and learning and experiencing all the things that came to define me these last years, and came to give my life deeper meaning. Why did i leave? Why didn't i find a new adventure, a new exploration, and new way to find myself in the great outdoors of the world around me.

But i suppose i can say i just trusted. I never felt particularly called to be here, or even at all felt like this was where i should be. If anything, i felt i should be working at a snowboard resort in the Rockies! It just sort of happened, and now that i have been here i am starting to realize it seems like i belong here, that this was the right next step. Even though i still fight it daily, and long to be back where i am most myself. But i dont want to miss out on anything i am supposed to experience here, by constantly looking behind.

And i have seen reasons, although most of the time i ignore them. I ignore them because i keep wanting to think that this can't be it. That way i don't have to commit to being here, that way i dont have to offer myself here. I can fall into the background, i can just be an observor. i don't have to give anything. After all, i am just a foreigner in a land that i was never supposed to find myself in anyways.

But thats all just an appealing fairy tale. It's a creation that i've made believe, so that i can escape from the responsibility i have towards what happens here. And so that i can keep believing that life is a story about me.

My reasons are very evident. Everyday I ask to be shown reasons for being here, and everyday day i end the hours shaking my head, thinking that i am not being shown anything, that i have made a mistake. That i am meant for everything i have left behind and not this. But i am shown - everyday. Everyday there are reasons.

The people. Everyday there are people here that pull down the covers i have strategically placed over my eyes, to remind me that i am here for many somethings, and that it is my duty to know that and take responsibility for it. Pretending there is no truth to this is the only mistake i make in being here.

My past two years are strange, how i still hold so tightly to them. But this was never the intention. It was all meant to equip me, not hold me back. It was meant to teach me and stretch me, so that i can offer more than i could before...not less.


oh my life
is changing everyday
in every possible way
and oh my dreams
its never quite as it seems
never quite as it seems...
...i want more, i want more

and then i open up and see
the person falling here is me
- The Cranberries

In Darkness Tries To Hide

in darkness she tries to hide
but he will not let her
she covers her face; ashamed, afraid
she just wants him to leave
because if he was gone she would know
she was right
that she is ugly and fat and dispicable
that she could never be loved
that there is nothing about her
for him to love

and so she pulls the blackness around her
and loses herself in the ebony hole
to protect herself from his eyes
and waits silently, willing him to leave her
alone, alone, so alone, just let her be alone
even as tears choke her
and she would give anything for it to not have to be like this,
but so badly wants darkness to swallow her
so that she doesn't have to face any of it anymore

but there is still something there
she looks up, ready to scream and rip because
she's not being allowed the isolation she desperately wants
he's not gone, he keeps waiting
and won't leave her alone,
only lets her pretend she is
and tears stream down his face too now
because he never wanted it to be like this
and she won't see that

she refuses, even as he shows
that he is there, that he loves, he cares
he wants to give something more than the shadows
just as she is

but she prefers the blackness
and darkness is the only thing she trusts

I Heard Something More

It was not anything special or exciting or new. We simply did what we do all the time. But this time it was different. I am not sure why tonight. I am not sure what made me suddenly realize something that i had never realized before. Maybe it was the way there was no brightness before this. Maybe it was the way we escaped for awhile, and let ourselves be somewhere and something else. Maybe it was everything, maybe it was nothing.

And although we rarely realize it, i think we do anything to make each other laugh. Or, at the very least, smile.

Driving in the car on the way back, i stared into the moving darkness out of the window streaked with dirt beside me, wondering why tonight; what made me suddenly know tonight. And i listened to the voices all around me with their incessant words and laughter. They were saying so much more than anyone else was hearing.

But i heard. I heard endless implications of something that i have forgotten to feel. I heard that i was surrounded by life. Living, breathing life. Life besides my own.

I heard that i am not alone.

Tonight i know. I know that i am surrounded by life, but i just do not know how to stop living as if i am not. I do not know how to let this knowledge enter my life, and free me from my island. i am too comfortable where i am and too scared to be anywhere else. I am completely apart from the life around me, and i miss out on so, so much; it has everthing to offer me.

But at least nothing will ever happen that i did not control. And somehow, that simple promise keeps me going on as i always have.

Even as i slowly stop living.

Porcelain Doll

tears are streaming
staining the face of the porcelain doll
blending the colours so delicately painted into one
to distort such an image of beauty
once revered
into a haunting disposition
where anything valued has been nullified completely.
striking horror of such an existance
while the fragile face continues to streak
with silent omitted
tears

And So I Run At Night

Dusk falls over the world in a powdery shadow. The light is slowly suffocated out of the day, taking all colour with it. Then blackness; pure night blackness. Nothing. Empty sky.

Then stars.
Filling the night canvas with millions of tiny, metallic holes.

My breath comes out as smoke in the strikingly cold, dark air. My body is frigid with the coldness, so I move quickly; thinking little, feeling even less. The world seems strangely still, time has somehow stopped. Everything around me is frozen.

Except I move through it. I run and run and run, my only source of freedom I ever feel now. When I run, I am going somewhere away. There is never a known destination, I only know I am leaving here. And that is enough.

I'm in the field now. I have let myself pause along side the rest of my faded world. Complete, swallowing isolation envelopes me wholly. But it gives me comfort. No one has the slightest notion of me being here; no one has any idea. There is the magnificant vast palette all around me, and I have become a tiny, insignificant whisp of a life that no one can see, no one knows, no one or nothing can reach. I am embedded in my surroundings. I am simply a contribution to the scenery; merely the landscape of something better. With or without, it makes no difference. I am nothing.

But it satisfies me entirely. I feel truly myself somehow.

The stars again. How the silver glows of the night can be so beautiful is beyond me. On and on they shine. Reminding me that they will never stop, that they will always sparkle in stark contrast to the rest of the shadowy blackness. Reminding me that I am not like them.

I look ahead, and everything I see seems better than the place I came from. There is so much infront of me, so much that I want to become a part of. Anywhere, my body screams. Just move. Move into the ebony blanket ahead; forward and further and further.

And so I look behind. No, my body is weeping. It is too broken to yell anymore, too scared for words. Too shattered to hope any longer. It cries almost inaudibly into the thin air around me. But it already knows.

I pick up the earth in my hands. The cool, dirty crumbles are trying to tell me something, but I no longer hear. The earth is its own again.

The Circle In The Grey

a tiny, silvery, tinkle of brightness invades my world
for precious moments, cherished times.
it hits right in the center;
that place where everything else reovolves around,
circling and circling, around and around,
wanting more, daring to hope, risking dream,
spinning, spinning, spinning...

quiet. just for an instant.
let it all resolve.

it is all just as i left it,
just as i thought it was.
it spills out of a sliver of white light
breathe it, breathe it;
inhale all the shiny, iridescent glows that make up
the circle in the grey.
the circle that it all revolves around.