I'm Not Sure How I Got Here

I am living in Winnipeg, Manitoba. I am not exactly sure how i got here, or even why i am here.

I have always found life very strange for me in that way. It sometimes seems like my life is just playing out before me and i, who should be the main character, constantly find myself just chasing after it, wondering what the heck just happened, how i got there, and what to make of it all.

But really, life is not a story about me anyways.

So yes, i now live in Winnipeg...well, outside of the city really i suppose, but no one has heard of my town anyways so i will just leave it as Winnipeg. And like i said, i am not entirely sure why i came here. Oh sure, i know what i am doing here now...its not that i am just wandering the streets, completely oblivious as to how i ever arrived here and what is going on. What i mean is that i do not know why, out of all the places in the world and all the other options i had for my year, i ended up in Manitoba. Going to school at a college that i said i would never attend. Sometimes i just sit there and it blows my mind trying to understand why i ever came. My life is so different this year than it has been for the past two years of my life, and sometimes it just kills me that i am not in the outdoors anymore, that i am not growing and learning and experiencing all the things that came to define me these last years, and came to give my life deeper meaning. Why did i leave? Why didn't i find a new adventure, a new exploration, and new way to find myself in the great outdoors of the world around me.

But i suppose i can say i just trusted. I never felt particularly called to be here, or even at all felt like this was where i should be. If anything, i felt i should be working at a snowboard resort in the Rockies! It just sort of happened, and now that i have been here i am starting to realize it seems like i belong here, that this was the right next step. Even though i still fight it daily, and long to be back where i am most myself. But i dont want to miss out on anything i am supposed to experience here, by constantly looking behind.

And i have seen reasons, although most of the time i ignore them. I ignore them because i keep wanting to think that this can't be it. That way i don't have to commit to being here, that way i dont have to offer myself here. I can fall into the background, i can just be an observor. i don't have to give anything. After all, i am just a foreigner in a land that i was never supposed to find myself in anyways.

But thats all just an appealing fairy tale. It's a creation that i've made believe, so that i can escape from the responsibility i have towards what happens here. And so that i can keep believing that life is a story about me.

My reasons are very evident. Everyday I ask to be shown reasons for being here, and everyday day i end the hours shaking my head, thinking that i am not being shown anything, that i have made a mistake. That i am meant for everything i have left behind and not this. But i am shown - everyday. Everyday there are reasons.

The people. Everyday there are people here that pull down the covers i have strategically placed over my eyes, to remind me that i am here for many somethings, and that it is my duty to know that and take responsibility for it. Pretending there is no truth to this is the only mistake i make in being here.

My past two years are strange, how i still hold so tightly to them. But this was never the intention. It was all meant to equip me, not hold me back. It was meant to teach me and stretch me, so that i can offer more than i could before...not less.


oh my life
is changing everyday
in every possible way
and oh my dreams
its never quite as it seems
never quite as it seems...
...i want more, i want more

and then i open up and see
the person falling here is me
- The Cranberries