I Heard Something More

It was not anything special or exciting or new. We simply did what we do all the time. But this time it was different. I am not sure why tonight. I am not sure what made me suddenly realize something that i had never realized before. Maybe it was the way there was no brightness before this. Maybe it was the way we escaped for awhile, and let ourselves be somewhere and something else. Maybe it was everything, maybe it was nothing.

And although we rarely realize it, i think we do anything to make each other laugh. Or, at the very least, smile.

Driving in the car on the way back, i stared into the moving darkness out of the window streaked with dirt beside me, wondering why tonight; what made me suddenly know tonight. And i listened to the voices all around me with their incessant words and laughter. They were saying so much more than anyone else was hearing.

But i heard. I heard endless implications of something that i have forgotten to feel. I heard that i was surrounded by life. Living, breathing life. Life besides my own.

I heard that i am not alone.

Tonight i know. I know that i am surrounded by life, but i just do not know how to stop living as if i am not. I do not know how to let this knowledge enter my life, and free me from my island. i am too comfortable where i am and too scared to be anywhere else. I am completely apart from the life around me, and i miss out on so, so much; it has everthing to offer me.

But at least nothing will ever happen that i did not control. And somehow, that simple promise keeps me going on as i always have.

Even as i slowly stop living.