Go Back?

if you could go back and erase what has caused you the greatest pain in your life, would you do it?

i have thought about this for a long time. Then i had a conversation with a friend a couple months back about it. That insight pushed me a bit further. Then i had a very similar conversation with a group of friends just a little while ago. Everyone had some thoughts on it, although i am not sure if in the end we got anywhere.

i'm still thinking about it.

Sometimes i think i have my answer. In those moments when time becomes strangely still and pale and open (i hope you can understand what i mean by time being open) i think i have my answer. And in those moments where i feel like i am looking at myself from the outside, watching my life instead of living it, i am pretty sure i know what i would choose. At those times i would never go back and erase any of it because it has made me a person.

And although it is my greatest weakness, it has in the end given me my greatest strength.

But then there is reality. Then there are the days, most days, where the obscure is no longer, and only bare tangibility surrounds. Those days detesting the strength and shaping, and only wishing the weakness was not there. And doing anything to numb the pain.

Numb the pain that holds me so captive that finds me a freedom and makes me so much greater than i could be without it.